A view

it's only forever.

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 08:16:54 GMT

It's so cold that my muscles are clenching.

I'm having a crazy night.

I'm the most drama-free, easygoing person you'll ever meet, and somehow...this situation came in my path.
There's no solution to a problem like this. I refuse to sacrifice some things for other things I know are unattainable.
I have my dignity, my pride, and my time that can't be wasted giving up things when it won't accomplish anything.

When you get caught up in certain things, you forget what is going to be there forever. Yourself.
There's no eternity handed to me.

It's a hard decision on what to give up. But sometimes, logic is more powerful than emotion.
With me...maybe not sometimes, but the majority of the time.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 06:12:28 GMT

I've never seen a clash of colors look so beautiful before.

I want you to see so much, but I'm so afraid to take the blindfold from your eyes.

Rough day.

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 00:31:55 GMT

I really miss Daniel...a lot. I had a dream the other night where we were sitting in the gym after everyone had left.
Things started with one of my fingers acidentally brushing his...and then our fingers locked and we started holding hands..and things kind of progressed from there.
Not in a sexual type of way at all...but just something that symbolized a closeness.

I woke up thinking about how much I missed him.

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 23:18:24 GMT

I eased up on something a little...I let it slip from my mind.

So I dreamt of it, and now its back stronger than ever.

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 04:54:07 GMT

I sincerely hope that if I ever ramble....Just to hear myself talk...someone shoots me in the foot.

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 15:55:00 GMT

For days I've sat here, searching through swirling thoughts and calming fingers eager to write...
And for that same amount of days I've found nothing...

But someone else has provided the words for me in the phrase
"What a tangled web we weave"

Yes, we do indeed.

And how interesting it is, to sit back free of the binding threads...and watch.

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 18:18:06 GMT

Oh what a tangled web we weave!

I grow, and I learn...obviously, as does everyone. But a person who is not expected to make such horrid mistakes gets criticized more than the people of whom they are expected. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I don't have the right to screw up, and in a sense...I never had the right to do what I did. But it feels like its 60 times more horrible because everyone knew I was better than that.

Even me.
And now as I sit here, in complete and total shame over how I acted.
I am happy, because I know that Brittany is doing well. At least, it sounds like she is.

She might never read this, but if she does...

Britt, I hope that you will befriend me again some day. But if you decide not to, I want you to know that I have learned from my mistake, I accept what you said, and I am happy that you were there for me to help me see straight, even if I didn't do a favor in return.
I've put away that side of me, and I owe you for it, dear. I know you may dislike me..and if you DO read this I think it may irritate you...but dispite all that!
If you ever need anything, I'm still here for you.

That felt nice.

I hate being not liked.
But I love liking people.

I've acted so stupidly in the past.
I got the slap I needed.

*twirls away*

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 03:08:55 GMT

I'm beginning to notice more and more why I'm not affected by people a lot anymore.
Probably because I gave up a while ago.
Probably around 9th grade.

Each lie I'm told, each deceitful trap you try to pull me into, every promise broken.
I grow more and more independent.
It leads to me become more aware of liars, more dependent on myself, and to not trust in promises.

So don't blame me if I don't give you attention, or if you feel I don't care. Don't blame me if I don't rely on you.
Because it's your type of person who have made myself become this way.

I think

Running in the dark.

Tue, 19 Aug 2003 22:46:12 GMT

While my day was starting, yours was ending
When I came to focus, your mind was bending,
I tried to make you see, my love
But when I spoke to you, you just weren't listening

When I was running, you were hiding,
I couldn't find you, but just kept trying,
I tried to grab your hand, my love
But when I reached for you, you just left me

While I was laughing, you were crying,
And in my prime, you were dying
I tried to call out to you, my love
But while I was screaming, you were sleeping.

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 21:02:09 GMT

Don't concern yourself too much with the lives of other people.
You look like an ass, and your shortcomings become painfully clear.

Sun, 17 Aug 2003 22:09:56 GMT

caelum_malfoy said something that sort of inspired me to write about this. It's something I tell everyone I'm close to when we get in conversations about being conceited. lol.

She called me pretty. And there are two ways I could respond to that.
I could say

1.Thank you, darling =)

or

2. Thanks, I know.

Now, I always use #1 because people get the wrong idea from #2. But the thing is..I do know. I think I'm beautiful. I have a good amount of pride trapped in here. Call me conceited if you wish...But I can tell you one thing..I'm not arrogant.

So, to start out with. I think I'm beautiful, I think I'm intelligent, I think I'm sexy, and I think I'm funny.
Will a lot of you call me conceited..I wouldn't doubt it. But the thing is...Is that I think the next person has just as much of a right to this sort of pride as I do. It's not about being conceited, or arrogant. Definately not arrogant because I do not think I am better than anyone. I do think I'm pretty by society's standards too...but fuck society's standards. There are people out there with low self-esteem, that the world can easily label "ugly" that I think are beautiful. And there are "pretty" people that I think are ugly. It's all about how you treat people, how you live your life..and how humble you are.

Like I said...I don't say to people "Thanks, I know"...because even though I do know..I just smile and say thank you. Because I really do appreciate when people tell me that. Because they don't have to. They take the time to tell me that they think that I am whatever they say I am...And I think that's sweet. People don't have to take the time to smile at me and tell me I'm attractive, or to tell me they think I'm smart...or to tell me anything that they admire about me. So why not appreciate it when they do?

Also, a person's personality can bring out so much physical beauty...Like my friend Maureen, when I first saw her..I didn't stop and look and think "Omg, she's so fucking gorgeous"...But once I got to know her...She become more and more beautiful to me. And I hope she knows she's gorgeous. I admire the way humble people smile and walk when they have confidence. It makes me smile.

But anyway, the point was...Is that I think that everyone out there has the right to the kind of self-esteem and confidence that I have. And that my friends have...
And no one should let what other people think about them get them down...People should find something they like about themselves and build on that.

and..

arrogant, self-pitying, begging for attention, self-centered assholes suck! =)

Haven't been here in a while...

Sun, 17 Aug 2003 05:07:25 GMT

Allright..
Things have been okay. I started my senior year, which I am in love with so far. I love every single thing about my school. Aside from the fact that Mr.Nelson left.
Kingsway makes me feel good...It's such an easy going school, but by easy going I don't mean easy..Ya know. It's perfect, and Im sort of sad that it's my last year. Because I can't see people like Shane, Maureen, Chris and David everyday...

Anyway, Stoney really bugs me. He's trying to be me...And it's just not working. And he gets way too close...Everyone thinks he likes me, and don't get me wrong, I love Stoney...but I don't like his leg touching mine. He talks a bunch of shit to make him look like he knows things he doesn't. And it's sort of sad. And so incredibly obvious.

There's another person getting on my last damn nerve, but we won't mention their name here. She is so invasive, way too "in your face", and it's like she can't leave me alone. I don't want her to be a part of my life, and it's like she has to remind me she's there...in the most obnoxious ways. I wish she would just back off and not talk to me about things that I don't feel like I can connect with her on. I mean seriously...Don't try to be better than me either, I don't think I'm better than you, dude. And I don't try to be...So what's the whole competitive thing about? What's the deal with having to have something to prove about yourself.

I'm sick of "best friends" telling me how much I am then never calling. Never paying me any attention. It fucking sucks, okay? I'm not a high maintenance person, but at least send me an IM every once in a while to let me know that you know your "BEST FRIEND" is still alive. I mean...Whats the fucking point if all you're going to do is tell me I'm your best friend?

I've been so happy, but in such a "fuck you" mood. I know this sounds horrible and shallow..But I just want to dispose of the people that are wasting my time. I feel like because of the way I care about them, theyre holding me back from doing other things...and then when they don't make any attempt to talk to me. It feels like a complete waste of time and effort. Oh and, if you've been reading decayofbeauty you know Jaime and I broke up. I thought It was a good idea to mention that since the last post in this journal dealt with him.

I've been in such an artistic mood, but I'm lacking something. Maybe I don't know where to start, maybe I'm not sure what I'm trying to express...But it's there, it's itching behind my hands to just get it out..But what am I trying to get out...? It's very frustrating.
I've been having to look more into other colleges lately. There's not enough security in being a freelance artist, and I need traveling money =)

Thats all for now. I don't know what I'm trying to say...

Sun, 05 Jan 2003 22:13:15 GMT

How come I get jealous when my friends hang out with my other friends?
Is it really jealously? Or am I just sad because I can't see my friends?
There are so many people I miss, and I dont feel like it's fair that I can't see them.

Why do other people get jealous of me and what I do? I just don't understand.
Am I more appreciated and liked than I think?

I'm so lost.

Wed, 27 Nov 2002 19:48:13 GMT

From here on out.
This is a friends - only journal. I'm still going to post in decayofbeauty just not deep thoughts. mmk?

If you want to be added so you can read my crap...Just let me know. :D

~Sarie

Sat, 02 Nov 2002 15:56:48 GMT

Well
LIfe has been awesome.

that is all.

The continent of Europe is so wide mein herr....not only up and down, but side to side, mein herr

Fri, 20 Sep 2002 01:24:48 GMT

Well, I know I wasn't excited about school.
But omg, it's wonderful.
Everyone is so sweet and stuff. I'm trying not to get too close to any one person. Because in the past that's only led to trouble. Does anyone have any opinions on that?

I have never felt so comfortable or so...welcomed at a school before. I really love Kingsway.

$!#$%!##!@

Tue, 06 Aug 2002 23:58:44 GMT

Is it terrible to wish someone would disappear and REALLY, truly down deep mean it?

aHEM

Mon, 05 Aug 2002 08:16:02 GMT

I believe maybe I am blowing things out of porportion.
A certain..er...troll seems to be changing her interests to feel closer to someone. At least..thats MY point of view.
I'm one of those people who only like change if it's for the GOOD.
And I just get so irritated with people I feel are "invading" but I shouldn't be so, um, posessive? I don't know. Maybe IM too dramatic. Maybe *I* need a hobby..

Well, school starts next week. *waves flag* .....wee.

er...

Mon, 29 Jul 2002 17:55:32 GMT

I'm so confused. I have two years of school left. My main worry is where I will get the best education. Im getting a mediocre one where I am at now and paying $330 a month for it.
I could go to Creekside and get a mediocre one and not pay. Everyone says it's like...really ghetto though. But I don't want to leave Heritage, but I do... I'm so confused.

I'm the one, who hides his medicine.

Mon, 15 Jul 2002 07:50:17 GMT

Well..I'm happy.
Deep down inside I am truly happy. Sure I have my problems, but lately I've been able to see them for what they actually are. Tolerable.

Girls (and some guys, mind you) can be so sickeningly dramatic.
Get a hobby.

Sat, 06 Jul 2002 22:14:36 GMT

This morning at around 4:30 I woke up instantly when it felt like someone's hand was sliding down my arm.
I threw my blanket off and sat up straight breathing heavily. I tried to tell myself it was a bug. But the heaviest bugs we have at my house would be the roaches. And I've had a roach crawl across my foot before. They aren't that heavy.

I dont think it was a bug. And I wasn't dreaming..

Just another day.

Sun, 30 Jun 2002 19:28:06 GMT

Well I'm really not good at the whole letting people know they make me want to smash my head into concrete. Smartassedness is starting to come off as a common trait rather than how I treat someone I dont like. hmm...=D
Some people are just so...spoiled, self-centered. They have their cool moments...but for the most part it's their way or smashing your head into concrete >:P Sometimes....both?
I'm dead tired and just rambling. I promised a couple people Id get up early (1:45, ha) and now one of them is being lazy and not leaving his house....
bah.

I think some things just...are too comfortable to be real, too...right to be true. So right you want to pull away from it before it gets to you because when the time comes you don't want to be smacked around by the harsh realization that it was false to begin with.

And others...Others won't go away. *laughs*

Welp, friends called....gotta run.

My weird imagination...

Tue, 18 Jun 2002 17:24:34 GMT

Last night..er...This morning around 5:30 I finally decided to go to sleep...
As usual when I laid down the creeps got to me, but last night it was worse than usual.

As twisted as it may sound, and call me psycho if you will, I always get caught with images of demons swarming around, or my home burning down around me. Well last night when I laid down I was positive I heard men's voices. I sat up shaking and ignored the shadows that normally my mind would make some crazy tale of, and came to check if my speakers were still on. Needless to say, they weren't....And I couldn't figure out where the voices were coming from.
So I laid back down and squeezed my eyes shut and tried to beat some sense into my thick head but it just wasnt working, and the tighter I closed my eyes the more disturbing, perverse and just...sick the images became. So I opened my eyes again and stared out of the window and I felt like...I don't know how to explain it, I felt closed in somehow, like in some way the imaginary shadows were a giant...pressure around me.

Finally I managed to get to sleep, thank God....
I hate how my mind plays all these tricks on me when I'm trying to sleep.
*growls*

Fri, 14 Jun 2002 16:23:12 GMT

I had a dream last night that I was stuck in a crowd of a few people..
I'm claustrophobic, so that's not very fun...So the more I'd try to get out the more people would come. Just swarms of them..It was like I was drowning.

I woke up and I was sweating really bad, almost crying.

I don't know if it has anything to do with how I feel in real life or not. I do feel a little...trapped..Or maybe not as much trapped as much as when I try to get away from something it just comes on stronger.

Fri, 14 Jun 2002 06:12:31 GMT

So here is my first post.
This journal's not going to really talk about what I do, but moreso dreams, how I feel and just thoughts.